NB Names have been changed to protect the unfortunate.
Important occasion looming
Our high school formal was a few months away, and unfortunately I was dateless. I didn’t know any girls at all, what with going to an all-boys school, having no outside hobbies, and generally avoiding people outside my immediate and very limited social circle. I’d probably have gone stag if it had been an option, but it wasn’t.
Luckily, some friends found me a date in the form of Jane. Jane went to our sister school across town. I called her one night and after we chatted for a bit, she suggested we go out before the formal to get to know each other. I was stoked!
A little bit about me
Before I go on with the story, I need to tell you what I was like at age 17.
I went to a very sporty school, but I wasn’t sporty at all. I didn’t have many friends and I’ve always been shy and something of a loner. It may have had something to do with being skinny, wearing dorky glasses and braces, and having unfortunate hair. Suffice to say, I’d never kissed a girl or had a girlfriend. In fact I’d barely exchanged words with a member of the opposite sex in years.
Idiot that I was, I proceeded to develop a huge crush on Jane even though we’d never met and had spoken on the phone exactly once.
It’ll be alright on the night
The night of the Big Date with Jane finally arrived. I think it was a Friday night, although my memory is a bit hazy after all these years so it could very easily have been any other day of the week.
Jane and I had arranged to meet at a shopping mall, in the food court. I can’t remember if Jane was waiting for me or if I got there first and waited for her. Either way, I was nervous and excited. One thing I do recall is that that the food court was practically empty and most of the lights were off. I know that sounds ridiculous, and it makes me wonder if my memory of events has somehow become totally corrupted.
Anyway, one thing I do recall very vividly is that the second I saw Jane, I knew I was punching above my weight. She was very pretty.
Right. So, a certain pizza chain had an outlet in the food court. Jane ordered lasagna and I ordered a small pizza (Hawaiian, mmm! Fuck the haters who think pineapple on pizza isn’t awesome). We sat down amidst a sea of empty tables. Even though my pizza was fresh and hot, my nervousness transmogrified it into cardboard in my mouth. I struggled for things to talk about, but luckily Jane carried the conversation. We chatted about safe, everyday topics as we ate our food. It was a bit awkward, and I was just beginning to feel comfortable when suddenly some guy with model-quality looks appeared out of nowhere.
“Jane Smith?” said the guy, confidently sauntering over to our table.
“Yes?” said Jane, her face lighting up in recognition. “Oh, hey I know you, Model-Quality Looks Guy!”
Jane and Model-Quality Looks Guy proceeded to have a very animated conversation for what seemed like hours. Jane didn’t introduce me, nor did he acknowledge me in any way. As far as they were concerned, I ceased to exist. To be fair, I was doing my best to blend in with the food court furniture at that point so it’s possible that I am a master of camouflage. Eventually the guy went on his way and I was alone with Jane again.
After we’d finished eating, Jane and I went upstairs… to the movie theatre above the food court. We bought tickets to Only the Lonely. I’m not making this up. That was actually the name of the movie. John Candy was in it, but unfortunately it wasn’t very good. It didn’t occur to me until many years later that maybe Jane was trying to tell me something by choosing it! Ha ha!
During the movie, I didn’t do that thing where you pretend you’re yawning but then put your arm around your date instead. I did think about doing it, but I chickened out. For a good hour and half I wondered if Jane and I were going to kiss at some point. I don’t know why I thought we might, because deep down I did understand that we had absolutely zero chemistry. I was disappointed anyway.
After the movie, Dad came to pick us up and run Jane home. At the time I didn’t realise how uncool this was, so it did nothing to deter my high hopes for Jane becoming my girlfriend in the near future. Not even the deathly silence that pervaded the car on the 40-minute drive could stifle my optimism.
When we arrived at Jane’s house, her mum invited Dad and me inside. She showed us the pattern for Jane’s formal dress. She was sewing it herself, which I thought that was so cool! The pattern came in two styles, one pink and one white. She joked about how we shouldn’t worry about her accidentally making the white version, which was a bridal gown. I laughed dutifully, even though I could practically hear wedding bells by that point. Surely it was a sign that Jane was to be mine forever?
A few weeks later
The day of the formal arrived. I hadn’t spoken with Jane since our first date, but I didn’t think that was a bad thing. After all, we were going to the formal together and were therefore destined to spend eternity together as well. Pretty solid logic.
I started getting ready several hours beforehand, giddy with anticipation. As I mentioned earlier, though, I was a skinny, unattractive teenager endowed with truly terrible hair. I had a decent suit in which to hide most of my body, and in an effort to tame my mane I went down to the local hairdresser.
Unfortunately, I walked out of the hairdresser with the male equivalent of a 60s beehive. My initial impression was that the hairdresser truly outdid herself, but when photos eventually emerged I came to suspect it was just a trick of the mirrors and lighting in the salon. I still can’t look at those photos without cringing.
In the meantime, Mum had bought Jane a beautiful wrist corsage made of miniature pink roses to match the colour of her dress. Every other girl at the formal had theirs pinned to their gown. BORING. I always thought Mum was particularly on point in the corsage department because it really was a lovely arrangement.
It’ll be alright on the night, take 2
Our formal was held at a swanky hotel in the city. I sat at a table with my closest friends and we had a great time. Unfortunately, I ruined things slightly by showing everyone my moves on the dance floor. I went the extra mile by doing Hover Hands with Jane at photo time. Don’t worry, I cringed just as hard doing it as my friends did watching me do it. I’m even cringing right now at the memory…
I wasn’t sure what Jane thought about me or the formal. I thought I detected a hint of pity in her eyes when I shelled out 5 bucks to buy her a rose at the end of the night. Despite almost certainly not wanting to be there with me, she was very polite from start to finish.
Aftermath
A few weeks after the formal, my friends got Jane on the phone with the goal of having me ask her out. I didn’t, and the call was awkward as fuck and left me feeling stupid. I’d already come to the conclusion that Jane and I weren’t going to be a thing. I was disappointed, but I soon got over it. Thankfully I refrained from doing anything stalker-y or stupid like accusing her of leading me on. I was an idiot for sure, but at least I wasn’t a nice guy.
I saw Jane at uni the following year. She was sitting on the grass in the sun, talking with another girl. I pretended I hadn’t seen her and kept walking. In retrospect I probably should have at least said hello. But I didn’t.
I never saw her again.
THE END
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